Refining...

This morning my husband came into the bedroom at 7:20 am and said, “You’ve showered (which is a rare thing that early!), your children are being fed, I hope you will find time to spend with the Lord this morning.”  Ouch!  Yes, it’s a daily struggle for me to set aside time to spend with my Father.  I wake up most mornings to the sound of a child, sometimes crying sometimes happy but always needing my attention and I rarely get a breath until they are in bed around 8 pm (pretty typical for a mommy, I think).  By then I’m exhausted and can’t even think about doing anything requiring my brain much less my heart!  But this morning I am left without excuse to spend time with the Creator, my Savior.  I dusted off the bible study “No Other Gods” I had abandoned months before.  It is a study I was doing with Erica, my college roommate and great woman of God.  It was such a sweet and challenging time but like I do with most bible studies or books, anything in print really, I slowly allowed other things, should I dare say idols creep in and take priority until I wasn’t picking it up at all!  I think as our time here in the states is coming to an end I find it harder and harder to spend time with the Lord.  In a way I’m scared that if I do take the time to get still before Him and share with Him my fears and more importantly release my idols to Him I may just fall into a heap on the floor and never get up!  I’ve always dealt with stressful times by sleeping LOTS and hard issues by denial.  I know this is not healthy but it is what it is.  Thankfully a challenge from my husband this morning pulled me from my sad reality back to the throne of God.  And just like God the next day in my “No Other Gods” study was entitled Good Goodbyes.  When I saw it I almost shut the book!  But it was a good time studying Abraham and how he withheld nothing from the Lord, not even his son.  It was a picture of not only laying aside my idols but offering them to the Lord and trusting that He will provide for me.  It’s strange to me that I’m still learning this because the Lord has provided so much for me and my family.  How is it that I still withhold certain idols from him?  How is it that I do not yet believe that He is more than enough for me?  The study closed with a prayer from Tozer I’d like share.

“Father, I want to know Thee, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys.  I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.  I come trembling, but I do come.  Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious.  Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there.  In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Also, I really enjoyed this song, Breath of Heaven, on Sunday and it has ministered to me since.  I do realize it’s Mary singing but I share her fears of not quite measuring up to the task set before me.

I have traveled many moonless night
Cold and Weary, with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father You have come
Chosen me now to carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

[chorus:]
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Breath of Heaven Hold me together
Be forever near me Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holiness For your holy Breath of Heaven
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Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

[chorus]